The Autumn Diaries Read online

  SEPTEMBER 1

  I WANT TO WRITE A real book. The writers on the podcast write full books, and I’ve mostly written these little short stories, which I think of as “single-serving fantasies.” I do love them, and they’re fun to write, and they’re kind of a release for me because I finally get to tell my own tales. But they’re limited because there’s only so much story that can happen in a few thousand words, especially considering they all end up in sex.

  And yeah, I know that’s the point for an erotica writer… to have stuff end up in sex. But there’s a lot of stuff that happens that has nothing to do with sex in real life, and wouldn’t it be kind of fun to build some of that like other writers… to build some anticipation? Think of one of my faves in 50 Shades of Grey (not 50 Shades of Lexi Maxxwell) — there’s a ton of story in those books where there’s no sex. Not that I want to start NOT writing sex, of course. But it’d be nice to spread out into the scope of a novel… and still keep that novel hot and wet and gooey and sticky.

  I’ve been working on a full book called Anticipation, appropriately, which will be the first in an alphabet series like Sue Grafton does (the second will be Bound), but although I love it, Anticipation is fairly domestic and would be a real departure for my readers, who are used to me being so off-the-wall and gonzo. Hell, Anticipation doesn’t even have the word “cunt” in it.

  So I’ve been trying to think of another book idea too. Everyone likes vampires. Maybe I’ll write a vampire book.

  Brainstorm:

  Sucking Blood while Sucking Cock

  Bloodsucking Cocksuckers

  Sounds a bit too gonzo.

  Hmm, I’ll figure it out.

  SEPTEMBER 3

  BITTEN. THAT’S WHAT I CAN call my vampire novel.

  SEPTEMBER 7

  THE LATEST EPISODE OF MY favorite writing/publishing podcast couldn’t have come at a better time. These guys really have become my like my mentors, even though they don’t know me other than this crazy chick who constantly emails them.

  In the episode where they talked about erotica a bit at the end, they said they needed to find a good erotica writer to have on the show. I’m determined to be that writer if it means I have to do some serious cocksucking. Too bad all three seem to be happily and faithfully married.

  Anyway, this week’s show was about building and trimming your tribe, which is something I’ve been struggling with.

  I write such crazy shit that sometimes I wonder if it’s right for everyone in my audience, or if I’m going to offend people or send them away. I have my mailing list, and people do sometimes unsubscribe and leave it. I see those and they always make me wonder if I should have tried to keep that person. It’s like this tiny failure, but a failure nonetheless. Every once in a while, a tiny part of me wonders if I should tone it down because my audience is a lot of normal people who are, in real life, nothing like me.

  But now I get it. I can and should only be who I really am. Some people are going to like me and some aren’t, and that’s fine. That’s good, actually, because the more people who aren’t right for me that leave, the better I’ll be aligned with the people who stick around. You build a stronger “tribe” by speaking to and writing for your ideal readers.

  So I guess I’ll keep being super, super filthy. Keep being me.

  SEPTEMBER 20

  I’VE BEEN WORKING ON BITTEN — just kind of brainstorming and throwing ideas together — and I was talking to Sam about it. Fun ensued.

  Sam likes that I’m writing smut, but he likes it in the way that the parent of a kid with a temper likes it when that kid takes up karate. Like that aggressive kid will now channel his destructiveness and anger into heavy bags and sparring matches and the discipline of karate. Sam seems to think writing erotica is an “acceptable outlet” for my oversexed nature. He keeps steering me toward it when I’m all worked up and he can’t take it. Like last week when his groin was still healing from those bone bruises and his dick was still chafed and I came at him with my lips puckered and he was like, “Please, no, not yet so soon, it hurts” and I called him a big pussy, and then he steered me toward my laptop, and, once I’d settled in, he brought me my pink vibrator in the way most boyfriends would bring their working girlfriend a cup of coffee or a glass of wine. Then he went off and applied more Neosporin while I mind-fucked a rainbow of people because I’m an equal-opportunity kind of girl.

  But Sam also likes that my writing gives me what his presence prohibits. The one downside of being with Sam is that we’re exclusive (and I want that too; my pussy is the one who sometimes protests), and writing about fucking random people or people who I’ve kind of always wanted to fuck (or fuck again) lets me explore what I will no longer let myself explore in real life. He’s not jealous of stories from my past, and he’s not jealous when I fantasize about doing those things again in the presence. He understands that fantasy is fantasy, and he’s even cool with being a surrogate cock after I’ve just gotten all worked up thinking about some guy who’s not him. In the end, it’s his dick I ride, and him I love. So it works.

  And sometimes, Sam likes that my writing ramps me up and keeps me adventurous. It’s rare that I need more prodding to be adventurous, but there are the occasional times when Sam is feeling super horny and super crazy and I want to rise to meet him.

  So we were talking about Bitten, and he was telling me about how he read some Anne Rice stuff when he was in his teens and how it was pretty good whacking material for a guy who wasn’t getting it for real yet, and so he’d sort of formed this attachment in his head between vampires and sex. (I didn’t point out the fact that everyone attaches vampires and sex. I mean, they’re all about sucking and being sexy and biting necks and whatnot. Who cares if they’re dead and might kill you or damn you forever?)

  I then took off my top and started biting Sam’s neck. Seriously, it doesn’t take much to get me going. My slit was already totally lubed and ready for his rainbow roll I started to gnaw on his jugular. So I started rubbing it and then got it out and then pushed my panties aside (why I was wearing them, I don’t remember and can’t imagine) and we kept fucking and biting and I was all, “Come join my army of the undead and stuff.”

  But it wasn’t quite right. There’s no such thing as being disappointed for a guy in that situation — with a hot girl riding his cock and juicing all over the place, tits in his face, until he fills her with spunk — but I knew I could do better.

  So the next day, while Sam’s at work, I went to a costume shop and bought a pair of fangs and a slutty black leather one-piece vampiress outfit with no cups in the top and no crotch. Then — and this should be testament to either how much I want to please my man or (more likely) just how much my horniness overrides my logic — I took an ice bath like in those wacko health books just as Sam was supposed to come home. It was insanely, insanely uncomfortable. The only way to distract myself was to rub my pussy, but I couldn’t get off. This, of course, just made me hornier.

  After I heard Sam come in, I got dried off and — quickly, before I could warm up — dusted my entire body with white baby powder and then slipped on my outfit. I put my fangs in and put on a lot of goth makeup, particularly around my eyes. Then I sneaked up behind him and bit his neck, this time with the fangs. I’d also grabbed some blood capsules and bit those, so fake blood started running down his neck.

  Sam turned around and it was like Christmas. I’m pretty damn sexy, but sometimes I think Sam’s grown used to it since I’m always like this. So it’s nice to earn an authentic reaction.

  I walked around and stood in front of him with my white skin, tits out in this leather vamp number, and eyes all made up, with white fangs in my mouth dripping blood, and a sopping wet snatch totally accessible from below.

  “I vant… to suck… your cock,” I moaned.

  “Don’t do the accent.”

  I answered by unbuttoning Sam’s pants and pulling them off so hard I about knocked him from the couch to the floo
r. Then I did suck his dick, but it was difficult around the fangs. I tried to remember if I’d seen or read about vampire cocksucking. I realized that most vampire movies show the vampires as able to hide or retract their fangs, so I pulled mine out and gave him a good, hot blowjob while rubbing him up and down with my freezing cold hands.

  “You’re so cold,” he said.

  “That’s because I’m dead,” I said.

  “Ooh. You make a hot vamp.”

  I climbed up, guided Sam’s dick inside me, and started moving up and down.

  “I wasn’t dedicated enough to make that part cold too,” I said, looking down. I actually felt kind of disappointed, because you’ve got to be able to buy molds to make ice dildos. I just took a damn ice bath. How hard would it be to freeze my cooch? The contrast against his hot cock would probably feel great. I know his warm skin felt great against my cold skin. His hands on my boobs were like firebrands.

  “Fuck me, Dracula,” he said.

  “I’m not Dracula. Dracula is a dude.”

  Sam wrapped his arms around my black leather outfit and shoved his dick up in me so hard I gasped. Then he did it again and again. I leaned forward, put my fangs back in, and started to nibble his neck. Something about the biting and the thrusting got me hot super fast, and soon I was cumming all over him, making vampirelike screams of lust while biting him harder.

  “Oh fuck, Autumn, I’m going to cum!”

  So I yelled back, still cumming a little myself, “Fuck me harder, human!”

  “I’m going to cum in you, you unclean, undead…”

  I had an idea. “Cum on my fangs!”

  “I’m going to cum on your fangs!” Sam echoed, as if it was his idea.

  I climbed off and got down onto my knees. Sam stood. I looked up at him with the seductive sort of expression I imagined vampires must always get when about to take facials. I licked my fangs.

  “OH GOD!”

  I hissed at the mention of God, because I was a vampire.

  “OH GOD COME BACK HERE YOU FUCKING CREATURE!”

  He grabbed my hair with his left hand while I kept hissing and bearing my fangs like an animal. His right hand was a blur on his cock, and suddenly these globby white streams of jizz come flying at my face, getting in my hair, pooling around my eyes and nose, and, most importantly, landing in my mouth. I could feel the fangs catching some of his streamers — his hot, flying cum would catch on them, then drip inside my mouth and onto my tongue.

  Once finished, he looked down at me and I slowly licked his cum from the fangs.

  “You’ll write a great vampire book,” he said.

  SEPTEMBER 29

  INSPIRED BY SAM’S LUST, BITTEN continues to inch forward. It’s actually knocked Anticipation down in the cue. I’m still excited about Anticipation and the entire alphabet series, but it’s hard to not be inspired by Sam’s vampire lust. We’ve already fucked as vampires a few more times, all but once with me as the undead seductress. I’ve refused to do the ice bath again, but we keep doing the rest. Also: giving head with fangs just takes some adjustment, but you can totally do it.

  THE ONE WITH THE GUY WHO WANTED TO ACT OUT ALL OF THE ANIMATED GIFS

  AUTUMN MET JAKE IN A temp office job. Jake was very Office Space; he wore an unoffensive, middle-of-the-road tie and a plain white starched shirt. He worked in a cubicle and he actually, literally, filed TPS reports. Autumn never, for the duration of her time clerking with the company, learned what TPS stood for. So, because she thought Jake was hot in an understated and kind of nerdy way, liked sometimes to make up profane meanings and pretend that Jake was up to no good.

  Jake took two coffee breaks and a lunch break. He always took the lunch break at noon and the coffee breaks at 10:30 and 3:00. On his breaks, he read Wired magazine or sometimes did online trivia. Autumn had walked by his station to see what it was he was doing and found that the trivia was often about Monty Python. It was, on one level, disappointing; she secretly hoped he was looking at porn. But on another level, it was totally in character. Jake was one of the new breed of nerds, now that geeky had become sorta sexy. She bet herself that on the weekends, Jake wore shirts with nonthreatening double meanings — perhaps showing the circular universal computer “on” symbol rotated to four different positions above the legend KAMA SUTRA FOR NERDS.

  It wasn’t hard to hack through Jake’s defenses. Autumn showed up one day in an extremely short skirt with her hair in dual pigtails and wearing black-rimmed dork glasses. She came over to Jake’s desk, asked if she could borrow a pen to work on her Star Wars crossword puzzle and then, without waiting for a response, leaned so far over his desk that he could see her shaved pussy from behind. Then she asked him if he’d like to come over to her place later to watch Wargames.

  Once Jake was at Autumn’s apartment, he was even easier to unravel. One thing she knew was that men were always, in the end, men. He’d seen what she had to offer back at the office, so all she did once they were alone together was to bend over a lot in front of him (to put in the DVD, to turn up the volume on the TV, to recover his JEDI MIND TRICK keychain). When she eventually accidentally put her hand on the bulge in his pants while reaching for popcorn, his nerd armor had thawed and he was hers for the taking. Technically there was a movie on the screen, but Autumn never saw it, between the cock in her mouth and riding him cowgirl. She did, however, suspect that Jake kept watching the whole time. It was cool. She could roll with the nerd punches, and it was also possible he had a thing for young Ally Sheedy.

  After they’d fucked three times and the movie had finished, Jake said that he’d never had such an awesome experience, and that he thought that “office hottie who wants me” was just a fantasy.

  “Fantasies can come true,” Autumn purred, running a finger up his bare (and surprisingly nice) chest.

  “Yeah?”

  “Yeah. What else have you wanted to do?”

  Ten minutes later, Autumn had a face full of cum. It was a pretty vanilla request, but it seemed to make him so, so happy.

  They fucked on and off over the next few weeks. Autumn kept asking what Jake wanted to try. He seemed so grateful to be with her, and just so earnest, she wanted to verse him in all the things he’d been denied.

  Finally, to make things simple, Jake replied in the nerdiest way Autumn could imagine: he presented her with a webpage that showed a series of tiny animated drawings with a wide spectrum of sexual acts. They were like smileys, but showed two very crude illustrations of people that were just a step above stick figures doing nasty things to each other. Each had a caption. There was MISSIONARY of course, DOGGYSTYLE, RIDE IT, and a shaking tube that was labeled MAN’S WORST ENEMY. It took a while before Autumn realized it was a pixelated drawing of a vibrator.

  Autumn watched the little figures fucking on Jake’s screen. It was like porn before there was porn. The sprites had probably been drawn in 1990, and Jake had probably had them bookmarked since forever as a kind of naive sex ed.

  “Okay,” said Autumn, smiling at how cute Jake was by even presenting the sprites as the gateway to his dreams. “What now?”

  “I’d like to do this,” said Jake, pointing. “Maybe this. And this. And…” His finger hovered near ANAL, but then moved on, went to another, and said, “And this…”

  Autumn chuckled to herself. Of course he wanted butt sex, if he’d had this page bookmarked all these years. He was just to shy to say it.

  “Tell you what,” she said. “We can do them all.”

  So that night, they hit the low-hanging fruit. Jake nailed her DOGGY STYLE; Autumn got up to RIDE IT, and they ended in a predictable MISSIONARY. He’d already done FACIAL, but did it again for kicks. Then, the next night, they tried out FOOT FETISH (he wasn’t into licking them, but she put sole-to-sole and he fucked them like a pussy), and then it was Autumn’s turn as Jake worked on his SHOCKER. While Autumn was on her back with her cock hole exposed to the world, she suggested they also address MAN’S WORST ENEMY, CUNNILIN
GUS, and, with Autumn on her own, DIDDLE. Jake said he’d already covered MASTURBATE (and hence WHACK IT and POUND IT) sufficiently, so they moved again onto FELLATE and eventually into 69. Jake blew his load down her throat, which he wasn’t sure gave him credit for anything, but he declared it worth doing regardless.

  “I don’t have a FAKE PUSSY, said Autumn, but we can do “TITTY FUCK.”

  Jake got red. “I’ve crossed off FAKE PUSSY already.”

  “Oh, great,” said Autumn, stripping off her T-shirt and a rare bra. Her small C’s popped into view and Jake immediately got hard. Autumn felt herself getting wet just looking at his dick, but they had a job to do, so she laid back and squirted KY between her tits and commanded him to “get on over here.”

  Autumn had planned for more of the to cross off other acts, but Jake so enjoyed fucking her tits that she gave him the go ahead to blow a gigantic load all over them, which she then licked off. Afterward, they studied the list, deciding that it made sense to plan out a strategy.

  “Some of these are easy,” said Jake. “We can easily cross off MAKE OUT and FEEL UP. I guess they just want to cover the gamut.”

  “Ugh,” said Autumn, looking at one sprite that had an unfamiliar addition. “I’m not going to be involved in FUCK DOG.”

  “I think we can ignore some of these,” said Jake. They were still naked and Autumn was relieved to see that Jake hadn’t gotten hard over the dog one. “I mean, it’s not reasonable to fuck a dog.” Then, clicking through, he pointed at another that showed the male figure exploding in hearts and then running over to impale a Holstein cow from behind. “So, like, I’m also not doing REDNECK.”